How not to lose love

When two people fall in love they usually feel blissful for a while and as if everything is perfect and nothing will ever stand between them. At the beginning of the relationship, the love energy is strong and it helps them to see things through, even when life is challenging. This is because when we fall in love, our habitual patterns are interrupted and we have a much higher capacity for sacrifice, forgiveness, gratitude and appreciation. These higher states of being and functioning can be seen as a ‘free gift’ from the Universe to give us a glimpse into a higher reality of life and into what we are capable of.

However, nothing is free in the Universe. The Universe wants ‘stuff’ from us! What does it want? It wants us to generate more light in exchange for the light that it had shown us when we first fell in love. It wants us to transform our darkness into light, our fears into love…. But for many of us, it’s a hard work and we refuse to do it. As time goes buy, we tend to revert to the old habits and find a million excuses for not changing our behavioural and emotional patterns and are ready to blame another for the loss of love and passion in our relationship.

This is an old story. Let’s write a new one… Let’s not lose sight of love in our life.

Attention is love. Giving attention to another human being is work. Love is work. To keep your heart open and be vulnerable every day is not easy. But once we get better at it, our world will be a better place to live in.

Keep your focus on the good in another. Don’t accumulate negativity in your mind and heart. Keep your negative talk and emotional reactivity “in check”: jealousy, anger, hatred, sarcasm, fear, judgement, self-deprecation, pity, bitching. It happens easily and we are often late to notice this harmful process. Check the balance of ‘negative’ and ‘positive’ regularly. Keep it on the bright side! And, by the way, this is not the same as “sweeping things under the carpet”…

Foster a state of forgiveness, appreciation and gratitude. If you see that good things have been done to you or are happening around you – don’t take it for granted, mention it, say “thank you”. Do not withhold kindness!

Your behaviour has to be aligned with your intentions. Don’t play games, don’t send mixed messages, and don’t “push-pull” in order to receive something. Don’t withhold intimacy. Don’t fake pleasure.

If you suffer, don’t react with psychological games. Don’t ‘hide’ by distancing yourself and withdrawing your affection. If your partner is hurting you, say it – say “how” and “why”. Your beloved is not a mind reader. Say: “I am hurt” instead of: “You are bad”. People who love you want you to be happy and will do their best to change things.

Learn to forgive, even when it seems impossible. We hurt those we love sometimes. In most cases, it happens unintentionally. We all have bad emotional and behavioural habits. These are not easy to change or get rid of quickly. Forgive.

And in any situation, ‘integrity’ is the word to remember.

Romantic relationships: complementarity principle vs. the law of attraction

Many people want to be a relationship. But not many know what for. The general feeling is that it is better somehow. There is a popular belief that two people can “complete” each other in certain ways, which proves on many occasions to be confusing. We may hear people using the words “polarity” or “opposites attract” or “law of attraction” with regards to relationships.

However, the interpretation of such terms differs from one person to another. It is true that in a couple, if one partner is shy and accommodating, another might be assertive and uncompromising. One could be a safety-seeking type, another a risk-taker. Arguably, such unions can function more effectively in the world since they influence each other’s qualities by softening their extreme manifestations and, as a whole, may appear more “balanced”.

Another variation of polarity in a couple is the one that relates to the opposite protective mechanisms that each individual adapts while growing up. For example, one person maintains their illusionary security by withdrawing, another by engulfing; one is a caretaker whereas another is the one who needs rescuing; similarly, victim and perpetrator; narcissist and one with low self-esteem; rescuer and “damsel in distress”; Mr Perfect and his crazy wife; Good Boy and his angel-like passive-aggressive partner. The list goes on…

Such psychologically complementary pairing may be stable for shorter or longer periods of time. But, if we presume that two people in a couple constantly evolve by seeking growth and healing, it is not difficult to imagine a point in their life when psychological complementarity will stop working because one individual happens to resolve their childhood wounds or becomes more aware of his or her rigid schemas and stops following a particular behavioural pattern. There is nothing intrinsically wrong or bad in this, but it does mean that there is a high probability that the relationship disintegrates.

Therefore, I would like to make a point here that if we want to pursue a long-lasting romantic partnership, we should not base our relationship choices on ‘complementarity of deficiencies’. Neither should we seek healing or therapy through our relationship, or at least, we should not see such processes as central in it. We should seek these independently and irrespectively of anything that is going on in our relationships. This is not to say that a relationship based on true love is not going to have its healing or redemptive power for us – it will. But this should be seen as its amazing “side effect” rather than as its central part or its purpose.

While our polarised personal qualities may result in the overall feeling of psychological comfort and compatibility, what makes a relationship really work is having fundamental things in common. These common things come from our conscious desires and preferences in life, from a similarity in our personal, spiritual and moral values. From neurobiological perspective, these are products of our pre-frontal cortex, rather than of the amygdala’s protective responses to ‘safety-danger’ situations around which our character is formed. Without such similarity in fundamental values in both individuals, their relationship is not going to be sustainable in the long term. The law of attraction can be stated as: “like attracts like”. You want respect – be respectful. You want to be cared for – start caring for others. If you want love – be love. If you want to be with an attractive, strong, mature, caring individual – match your demand with an equally high offer. If you don’t – accept the possibility that your relationships may never go beyond being a string of never-ending spiritual homeworks, character building projects, wound healing sprees, attempts at fixing and changing another, heroic rescuing acts, etc.

The only area of our relationship where we should seek polarity (or, in other words, the power of magnetism, or ‘opposites attract’) is the gender essence polarity. Why? Because we want the passion and energy that comes with it. When we feel passionate we feel inspired and ‘securely attached’ with our partner. If passion is not in our relationship we won’t be ‘securely attached’ because, sooner or later, passion will spark elsewhere with someone else. What makes a relationship passionate is things being different (polarity). Naturally, if a woman wants to be with a masculine man, she has to activate the feminine essence in her. Similarly, if a man wants to be with a feminine woman he has to be more aligned with the masculine principle. This magnetism will work irrespectively of physical gender because each of us carries both principles. Masculine and feminine essence in us will play out differently in different situations and we can consciously choose which energy we want to ride. However, it is necessary to develop self-awareness and a good understanding of gender spirituality to play this exciting game in a creative and ‘life-forward’ way.