How to keep your relationship happy and alive during the lockdown

I feel drawn to explore the effect that the “lockdown” is having on our personal relationships and the behaviour adjustments we can make to keep our sense of connection with our romantic partners intact.

As far as I can recall the “old times”, for many people, including myself, the usual way of connecting with our romantic partners was largely based on “contrast energies” between being together and apart. When we are together, we happily share stories about what happened between us and “the world” as well as our feelings and self-discoveries that we had when we were apart. Also, our sexual desire tends to build up when we are away, and subsequently gets channelled onto our partners when we finally see them. This dynamic creates the ongoing novelty in a relationship and our intimacy’s natural breathing cycle.

Now, many of us are “locked down” in the same space with partners and, as great as it may seem at first, I can imagine that, sooner or later, this continuous exposure to being observed and related to becomes “too much”. The novelty in another is diminished, there are not many stories to tell, and the voice of sexual desire gets muffled and weak in the face of concentrated mundane and endless availability. Instead, we may begin to notice and voice our partner’s shortcomings and our mind starts chewing on the negative aspects of the relationship rather than positive.

Unfortunately, it is probably true that many relationships will fall apart under the catalytic pressures of the “lockdown”. And maybe it’s not a bad thing as it can help people get clear with regards to where they stand and, therefore, save precious energy and time.

In my own relationship so far, irrespective of what happens in the future, I am noticing that some natural organismic adjustments have happened to our relating, which I am finding quite helpful for maintaining the novelty, personal interest and physical attraction. Here they are:

  • Asking for personal space as and when each of us need it, preventing this need from accumulating and building up as polite resentment.
  • Connecting quite frequently with the outside world – friends, family, classes, online gatherings, etc. It also creates the needed space and separation as well as gives us new stories to share.
  • Abandoning the usual routines that we used to have back in the “old times”, such as eating together, going to bed and waking up together, walking together, kissing frequently. Of course, we still do all these things, but less than before and only if it arises spontaneously and naturally, not out of habit.
  • Releasing any pressure to “perform” for each other: smile, talk, having a friendly or sociable face, etc.

I would say that, probably not surprisingly, the “lockdown” forced us to become more authentic and spontaneous with each other – as if out of “survival necessity” – which helps us maintain a healthy amount of mystery and surprise for each other.

If you notice that some other adjustments help you keep your relationship “fresh and flowy” while you are being inseparable with your partner, will be glad to read them in the comments.

Relationships: a flag of independence vs energetic enmeshment

So often I hear women say: “I don’t want him to think that I need him” or “I don’t want my freedom to be restricted by a man.”

I also hear the opposite being said: “I want us to do everything together!” “Sometimes, I miss him so much that I can’t focus on anything. I don’t want us ever to be apart!”

… and multiple different variations of the above.

Unfortunately, both of these attitudes can be an indication of the unhealed childhood wounds in a woman that give rise to destructive feminine archetypes.

The real message in the first scenario is: “Go away, I am not ready to receive your love and support”. In the second scenario, the message is even less helpful: “You will never be safe in this relationship as you will have to sacrifice parts of yourself to be with me”.

If a woman is not self-aware about what makes her take one or another stance with regards to relational interdependency, she remains trapped in the vicious circle of either attracting men who she would later describe as “he was only interested in one thing…” or of “falling madly in love” but then collapsing into a painfully familiar feeling of being “rejected” or “not good enough”.

Yes, many of us have been hurt in the past by situations when our personal space was invaded, our feelings were not appreciated, criticised or ignored, or when our essential needs were neglected. Our fear of this happening again has formed our energetic imprint of how we show up in a relationship. This is how we learnt to protect our innocence and our delicate inner world, which is very understandable. However, if we want to become a fully conscious human beings and enjoy a relationship that is fulfilling and nurturing for our heart, body, and soul, we will benefit greatly from freeing ourselves from these old ways of protection, because, paradoxically, they often get us into the exact kind of “danger” that we are trying to avoid: being taken advantage of or abandoned by others.

What I know is that when we learn to take care of our inner child, our compulsive desire to assert our “independence” and “non-neediness” with men drops away. When a woman learns to take care of herself, she has no problem to express her vulnerability or appreciation by saying to men in her life things like:

“I really don’t know what to do. I need your help…”

“You made it so much better for me…”

“I wouldn’t have managed this on my own.”

She knows she can manage on her own. She knows she is strong and capable. She doesn’t see herself as a “burden” or a “liability” to the man in her life. This woman knows her value for her partner and he knows that, too. And, that is why he sees her as a “safe” woman to be with. He feels that she is not a “damsel in distress” and that he is free to say “No”.

A man appreciates when a woman he likes can make it clear what she needs for herself, what she wants from life, and what would make her happy. This way she allows him to decide whether he will be able to give her these things. Because – surprise, surprise – feeling confident that he can make his woman happy is one of the most important reasons for him to stick around.

(Photo by Florian Pérennès)

Allowing feelings and meeting your dragon

I have noticed that the most common obstacle for people who want to be in a fulfilling committed relationship is that they keep denying or downplaying the desire to have this. They are afraid that if they said, clear and loud, exactly what they wanted, they would suffer from being disappointed. They are afraid to feel heartbroken in any way and form. To feel in control, they may be telling themselves something along the following lines:

“There are no good men / women out there. And, if there are, I have no way of meeting them.”

“I tried dating but it just confirmed that I was right.”

“I am doing fine without being in a relationship. I am in control of my life, I am self-sufficient and not “needy”, like others.”

“My work takes up all my time, so I don’t have energy for relationships anyway.”

There are plenty of other variations of the same fear-based attitudes to relationships. They all come from our deep-seated self-belief of not being “good enough” and our fear of being “discovered” as such by another human beings. Very often, this belief remains “invisible” for its holder and makes her or him adapt behavioural strategies that protect him or her from ever realising it. We are afraid in advance. We prefer to be “right” and alone rather than risk feeling rejected, abandoned, judged, unimportant or unsupported. To protect ourselves, we run around rejecting or abandoning others instead. If I reject you, you can’t reject me. If I don’t commit to you, you cannot abandon me. If I make you attracted to me, I have the power over you and you cannot control me. If I get together with someone more “wounded”, I can feel “superior” and more “together” in comparison, and I can make myself busy “rescuing” you instead of being vulnerable feeling my own need for love and care. The list of behaviours goes on. We were wounded in the past and we keep throwing our own pain onto others because we don’t want to feel it. Furthermore, because of our fear to feel, we end up “handing over” our generational wounds to our children… My question is – for how long? This world is all twisted because of our cowardliness to feel, our multifaceted self-neglect, our disconnectedness, and our inability to take care of our broken-heartedness…

I say, it is time to heal. It is time to learn the most important life skill of all – sitting with our pain and diving courageously into the bottom of our despair, if need to be. It is time to become fearless, allowing our deepest fears to be felt. Feelings buried alive never die… For an emotion to leave our body, it must be felt fully first. The skill of feeling fully can be learnt and improved upon and our resilience and true power increases with more and more practice. We have to learn to “catch up” with ourselves by giving our loving attention to the “dragons” that live inside our hearts. There is a cult of “glossy happiness”, which is overrated and glorified in my view, whereas gifts that can be found in fully experiencing our pain are hugely underestimated.

We aren’t snowflakes. The Earth will hold us, no matter what, and we won’t die if we allow ourselves to feel our feelings. Together, we have to move the old generational energy of ‘love scarcity’ and ‘not enoughness’, to free ourselves from the slavery of fear and to open our hearts to the love that begins in our heart – reliable, undemanding and ever-flowing.

There is no shame in our full-hearted declaration of wanting to be in a relationship. There is no need for protective humour or for the pretence of not caring and being “fine” without it. We want to be in relationships not because we are “needy” or “weak” but because “no man is an Island” and because we intuitively sense that our true nature can only be fully known and expressed through our deep connections and unity with others.

There is a quote of a famous poet that expresses the point of everything written above perfectly for me:

“Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love”

~ R. M. Rilke ~

How to get past trapped states of mind

Have you ever had an experience when your mind is banging on and on about something that happened earlier that day or week: may be something that someone said to you or behaved in a way that didn’t feel quite “right”, and your thoughts on the matter just keep running in your head like a train in circles, without any destination?

I had such experience just this morning, when my teenage son expressed his reluctance to do something health related that was, as I imagined, really important and necessary for him to do. I reacted to that by not talking to him for the whole duration of our hour-long ride in the car and becoming emotionally distant. Five minutes later, he peacefully fell asleep whereas I was having an on-going monologue inside my head about the futility of all our best intentions, about wanting to give up this stupid and annoying mother’s role (which is essentially just an attachment), and that each of us is on our own, and that the fact that one person grows in a belly of another doesn’t really mean anything, and also that my son is lacking gratitude for what he is given, and so on…

At some point, I wanted to stop thinking, but I couldn’t. Why? Because I felt “right” in my thinking and something inside me wanted to carry on. I became curious about that “something”. I asked myself: “What are you feeling right now?” After a few moments, I realised that I was feeling three main emotions: powerlessness, anger and despondency. My train of thoughts stopped as if there was no point in thinking any more. A few miles later, I suddenly realised that I often react to any upsetting situation in my life with this exact set of emotions. I would say, since my childhood…

“So, what now?”, I asked myself. I was no longer thinking, but the emotions were just there, not moving. I did feel closer to myself though, and I noticed that my heart had softened… Then I decided to give my emotions my full attention. I started to find different sensations in my body, naming and describing them in details: a sensation of heaviness behind my ears, a sensation of emptiness in my solar plexus, an unpleasant tension in my neck…

About ten minutes later, my state had changed. After receiving my full attention, the emotions trans-mutated and completely evaporated from the body and I returned to my usual happy and light-hearted self. I looked at my sleeping messy-haired teenager and smiled to myself thinking: “OK, maybe I can “do the mother” just for another couple or three years before I will “hand him over” to Life…”

You might be experiencing all sorts of complexities and emotional hardship in your own life. What kind of emotion is driving your thinking? No matter what it is, do not abandon yourself. Give yourself your full attention.

A decision is all we need to heal

What I have noticed is that many people who struggle with their relationship life believe that they cannot be easily helped. Many think that it is not even possible. They believe that there is something pretty uniquely wrong with them and it would take very hard work and a long time to “sort them out”. They often feel powerless and hopeless with regards to their own ability to help themselves. They keep talking about how bad they feel about their emotional reactions or behavioural choices, and think they need a therapist or a coach to help them overcome their “blocks”. They might even go and spend significant amounts of time and money paying for therapy, coaching, healing, etc. hoping to change their life. `During this process, they are likely to get a better understanding of how their personal history impacted their current difficulties or access some painful feelings they were not aware of before (which is a totally worthwhile thing to do).  At the end, however, they may still seem unable to make significant changes in the way they show up in their life and relationships… Maybe you have met people like that, too.

What I have learnt from on my own journey is that a good understanding of the causes of our emotional or behavioural difficulties is not enough to become free of them. What I know is that inner transformation happens pretty much in a moment, and after that instantaneous shift of perception, life is never the same again. I witnessed this time and again in my own life and in the life of people I know. Another thing that I noticed is that such transformation in itself cannot be willed into existence by our effortful wish for it. And although a transformation, in my opinion, is an act of Grace, it is always preceded by our conscious non-negotiable DECISION to let go of the old pattern (a behaviour or an emotion), our relentless unwillingness to live our life the “old way” and having a state of clarity about what we want to call forth instead. It is the moment when we truly and deeply feel “fed up” with our ways of being and when stepping into the abyss of the unknown feels more promising than accepting things as they have been for years. This is the moment of 100% commitment. And, it doesn’t matter if we are aware of it or not, it is the moment when our true Mind opens up for Miracles and when our deep Heart opens up for Love. And, after that moment, Miracles and Love rush in…

What I am trying to say is that the power to change always remains with us. By all means, it is good to get all the support we can to arrive to this DECISION because without it our life is likely to stay at a subpar level of fulfilment. But, I personally believe that no wizard in the world can transform our life or heal us unless we make a non-negotiable, uncompromising, unwavering DECISION to let go of “what we are in this moment” and are ready to let go of our “life as we know it” – and this DECISION, more often than not, happens when we are alone in the room .

The moment of DECISION is a scary one indeed because, on an existential level, it always feels as if we are accepting our death. But, this exact feeling of an existential threat is a sure sign that helps us recognise our very own “doorway to heaven”.

So, if you have a “block” in your life, which feels “unmovable”, my message is:

Stop beating around the bush. Stop going to therapies pretending you are “dealing with it’, but not truly choosing to let go. You intuitively know where your “doorway” is and you know you have been avoiding it at all costs. You know that it is the place in you which feels the scariest to be in. But half measures are not going to work and this is your only life. Be kind to your future. Make your DECISION now.


Do you allow yourself to receive?

This post is about the Masculine and Feminine “dance” in a relationship, so if you are interested and not biased, carry on reading because what I am going to say is important and can transform your romantic life into something far better.

According to the ancient wisdom of Kabbalah, the nature of the Masculine essence in a man is in channelling Light into this world through his worldly deeds. It moves, shapes, creates, overcomes and protects. The Masculine energy is ever dynamic and expansive.

The Masculine in a man is always seeking a reason for his worldly advancements, achievements, investments and contributions. His questions are: “What is my cause? Who am I doing it for?” A spiritual teacher and best-selling author, David Deida, claims that an “aware masculine man” is seeking places where he is needed, where he can make a difference by what he does.

Again, according to Kabbalah, the Feminine in a woman is vessel for receiving Light. If a woman is reluctant to receive then a man cannot fulfil his main mission – he cannot give and, subsequently, is not looking to stay around. When he feels unappreciated, unrecognised for what he does and unable to make the woman happy, he leaves. Always. So, if you want to drive your partner away, start complaining about his shortcomings and how unhappy he makes you feel on a regular basis. This is because a man is NOT motivated to improve his behaviour by hearing woman’s complaints and demands and, if this continues for long enough, his attention goes elsewhere…

If a woman wonders why she has not being able to attract a healthy relationship into her life, it is, most likely, because she is not allowing herself to receive. This is not surprising at all in our society, which is still dominated by patriarchal values. More often than not, women choose to engage with the world using their masculine energy. We are afraid to be vulnerable, worried to look “needy”, striving to prove our “worthiness” and sacrificing our wants and desires to be accepted, and constantly pouring money into the maintenance of a pleasing appearance. We keep fighting for our independence and play it “cool”, even when our heart is shattered into a million pieces.

In my opinion, the biggest absurdity in modern relationships is that women often think that a man will be driven away as soon as he starts suspecting that a woman “needs” him. Many women are trying to be extremely “disciplined” in keeping the expression of their “needs” (for attention, care, love, protection, admiration, support, loyalty, material gifts, etc.) under strict surveillance. The outcome of such control is completely the opposite of the desired one: a “not-needed” man loses interest and leaves.

Many women still think that the main reason men are prepared to give is because they are looking for intimacy. Without realising it, these women are undermining their power, their light, and their worth, and diminishing their ability to receive, hence their chances of being happy in a relationship.

If you are a woman looking for a great relationship, just take it in that an “aware masculine man” (and this is the only kind that a woman usually claims she wants to meet) is looking for your smile, your appreciation, your lively energy, your ability to feel deeply, your intuition, your warmth and your company. If you can be generous in showing your man that he makes you feel happy by what he does for you – this is the best gift you can give to him and the most convincing reason for his care and commitment.

Finding love that lasts

Do you believe that women who happened to be happy in their love relationships were just “lucky” to meet the right man?

Do you think that there are not enough good men out there; therefore you have to compromise and settle for attitudes and behaviours that do not really reflect your values?

Do you feel that, when you are in a relationship, you often end up feeling more mature, more responsible, more understanding and more in control?

Do you feel like you have tried hard to find happiness in relationships with men but now you just think you are “not good enough” at it?

Maybe your answer to all these questions is actually: “No, I don’t”. But, if you asked me these questions just a few years ago, my answer to you would have been loud and clear: “Yes! I do believe, think and feel all these things!”

For most of my ‘childbearing’ life, I had no idea about what exactly I was looking for in my love relationships (apart from knowing that I just wanted to be happy) or how to tell “bad” from “good” in men. My choices of romantic partners were always either completely unconscious and determined by the forces of attraction (which, if I am frank, I used to put on a pedestal) or by my thinking mind that was busy either trying to weigh ‘losses’ against ‘benefits’ or fluctuating between the emotions of excitement (“He is the one!”) and of bitter disappointment. Both attitudes were equal in their unwavering ability to bring about rather disastrous and heart-breaking outcomes. A few years ago, some grievous events finally stopped me on my tracks and I started to look within hoping to find some answers for my unfortunate love life. And, answers I have found… (Yoda in me suddenly got activated.)

As well as learning some uncomfortable truth about myself, I also absorbed the best teachings available on the subject of love, relationships, gender polarity and feminine power. After that, I suddenly got “lucky” enough to attract an amazing man who is now my life partner.

I know that my learning of how to walk the path of love will never end. The wisdom I have now about romantic love and how to be in a relationship is precious and I have no regrets about learning “the hard way”. However, I wish you wouldn’t need to walk the same road as me in order to learn. All I want is to transmit this simple (though not easy) wisdom to other women who are still looking for keys to the Kingdom of Love, so they could spend more time of their one life being happy and at peace rather than being disappointed and heartbroken.

What I have learnt is that our life is not random. We are powerful creators of our own reality, even when we refuse to believe it. We just have to learn the laws of creation. When you know how I create, you also know how you destroy. At any given moment you can choose what you want to do. That moment is when you take responsibility for what happens tomorrow.

Remember Rose from “Titanic”? “A woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets,” she said. A journey of creation and finding the love that lasts always starts there – in a deep ocean of your heart.

A place between optimism and pessimism

Do you know that place in between? Have you ever noticed how hard it is for our mind to stay still in that place between optimism and pessimism?

I have recently experienced a very challenging health related situation in my family. Things could go very wrong and impact everybody’s life but it could also be OK, or mild, or absolutely fine. The answer was just a couple of days and an MRI scan away and I noticed that my mind was frantically trying to “resolve” itself one way or another, fluctuating between not yet justified positivism and the resoluteness of outright negativism. My mind couldn’t stay optimistic for long, as it was afraid to be disappointed shortly after, whereas assuming that the answer was going to be “bad” right at that moment was bringing more relief than accepting the necessity of hanging in the unknown for a while…

The problem with these two extreme positions of the mind is that both are lies. Some of us are habitually optimistic and others are habitually pessimistic. But the truth is that, as long as we are trying to avoid the unknown at all costs, we are not prepared to deal efficiently for whatever comes next. We are attached to certain outcomes and don’t allow the life energy to move freely helping us to align our inner resources and respond to the life demands in the most efficient way.

It is a commonly accepted view that being positive has its benefits; but being negative is often frowned upon. However, compulsive optimism can sometimes be a form of self-delusion and, just like compulsive negativism, a sign of individual’s inability to hold reality in its wholeness. The place of stillness between optimism and pessimism seems to the place where we are PREPARED and OPEN for whatever comes without the need to let our thoughts run compulsively towards the worst or best outcomes. It is the place where we show up as a Peaceful Warrior – courageous, ready to act as needed, accepting life, accepting death, humbled.

We face an opportunity to hang in the unknown and practice self-awareness every day: when you are waiting for the call after a job interview, when you just met someone you really like but are not sure whether you have a future together, when you fear you or someone you love might have a dangerous illness, etc. Don’t disconnect with the flow of life and from your uncomfortable feelings by resolving into your default optimism or pessimism. Accept the challenge of being a Peaceful Warrior who can stay with the unknown, is prepared for whatever comes, ready to die, ready to love, ready to fight, ready to let go.


Do you stay too long in a relationship that is not good for you?

Artwork by Katie M. Berggren

Have you ever been in a situation like the one described below?

You’ve just met a man; you really like him and feel attracted. You might even feel a sense of immediate connection as if you have met a kindred soul. Your conversations are interesting and he makes you laugh. He gives you his undivided attention, calls and checks up on you a lot. You really feel that he likes you. Soon your relationship moves into the bedroom and everything in there is wonderful, too. You can’t believe your luck and feel a long forgotten sweetness of being in love. You can’t help it and start imagining your future together… A Little Girl in you who has been starved of love and attention is getting awakened. She is getting the kind of “food” she always wanted. It feels amazing and she wishes it would never end. And because this Little Girl is so attached to this satisfaction, she makes your ears deaf to the little unsettling things you hear sometimes from your new beloved and your eyes blind to the things you see him doing from time to time: that crude comment he makes about his friend’s partner, that snorty reply to a phone call from a colleague, a cynicism in his voice when he talks about people who can’t go anywhere because of their children, a judgement he made about your close friend; you might not want to see that he is overdoing it with the alcohol, or may be you are trying not to make a big deal out of it when he makes fun of your attachment to your pet or criticises the way you dress – all these little things…

Later on, you might have discovered that every little thing that you have chosen to keep on a periphery of your attention was the “tip of an iceberg”, a “symptom” of a much bigger problem – the one that eventually brought your relationship to ashes leaving you feeling heartbroken, disappointed and emotionally drained. The Little Girl inside you just got another confirmation that she was right to believe that she is “not good enough”, that there is a shortage of love and care in the world, that she is alone and that life is hard and unfair…

Do you know the Little Girl inside of you well enough? How old is she? Are you aware of what she needs and what she is longing for? Are you able to take care of her, to comfort her, to make her feel loved and seen, so she wouldn’t be sabotaging your adult-self’s life by making you numb, deaf and blind to things that are not good for you and by making you stay for far too long in love relationships that are not worthy of pursuing?..

Below are just a few manifestations of how our wounded Little Girl can unknowingly keep us away from the love we want:

  • When we choose emotionally unavailable men
  • When we choose immature partners, become like mothers to them and then blame them for not returning our love
  • When we find ourselves in a co-dependant relationship with a narcissist
  • When we start drowning ourselves in work, over-intellectualising, becoming too critical, demanding, controlling and competitive
  • When we restrict our authentic self-expression and suppress our body’s energy

If we are not aware of the Little Girl in us, who is starved of love, thirsty for attention or scared of being hurt, she will be controlling our life making our adult self feel out of control, frustrated, unhappy, emotionally drained and disappointed.

This is not our fault but the truth is that our Little Girl’s heart is a bottomless well that cannot be filled by anyone else but us. Bringing our deep attention and love to our Little Girl is an act of self-love and one of the most important steps towards our freedom and the kind of life and relationship we truly desire. We can be creative and each of us can find her own way of connecting with the Little Girl living inside of us.

The good news is that, despite our Little Girl’s interference, our intuition is always available to us. I am talking about that quiet voice within that carries no emotion and can know the truth, even when we don’t want to know it. Remember all those little things that we have chosen not to notice? That was the voice of our intuition. That voice is our true ally because it knows what is good for us. If we practice listening to it regularly and act upon it without waiting for our mind to “catch up” with it we can start living our life and build our relationships with much more grace and deliberation.

Love relationships and healing

Some people have a pretty good idea about the negative impact which their past history has on their behaviour in a romantic relationship but still feel unable to resolve it. We may know very well that we are not feeling confident or “good enough” because our father or mother was putting us down in some way or making us feel “small” or “not seen”, or because we were bullied at school. However, knowing the reasons often do not solve our difficulty in the present – however helpful it may be to understand the roots of it.

Having an ingrained in our psyche belief that we are “not good enough” may easily cause our romantic relationship to go pear-shaped. Our wound of “not enoughness” is what we need to heal, no questions asked. However, it is not our partner who is responsible for our healing, but us.

Healing our wounds is not the purpose of our relationship.

However, it is not true that only when we completely healed and “perfect” can we have a healthy relationship. In fact, all we need to have is sufficient levels of self-awareness.

In our love relationships, we are guaranteed to attract situations similar to those we experienced in our childhood. If we don’t have sufficient levels of self-awareness, we are bound to deal with these situations the same way we did it when we were small. At the moments like that, we think that we are taking care of ourselves but, instead, our actions make us feel more unhappy and “trapped”. Therefore, if we want to have a healthy relationship, it’s important for us to understand how we used to deal with “unsafe” situations as children, so we can invent some alternative ways of reacting and be courageous enough to try them out. For example, if your habitual reactivity drives you to run away or withdraw from your partner, it would be worthwhile to stay present, come closer and open up. Whereas, if your habitual tendency is to clasp, to hold on or to invade, it would be beneficial to learn letting go or walking away.

As a guide, you can use the following approach: to heal our dysfunctional reactivity we choose an action ‘in the opposite direction’. For many people, this would feel strongly like: “I can’t do this” or “This is impossible” or “This would kill me”. But the truth it, it is not going to kill you and the Earth would still hold you, no matter what happens. But by going against your grain, you will have much greater chances to preserve your heart connection with your partner and move your relationship forward.

The important thing to understand here is that our old mechanisms of protection are not loving. In the past, these mechanisms were not created by love but by fear. Therefore, our protective strategies, more often than not, are destructive to our relationships in the present. It is difficult to deal with them because at the times when we want to react and “protect” ourselves our “pain body” overtakes and we feel as if this is “the only way” and our mind usually has a very strong reasoning for why this is the “right way”.

If you recognise your unhelpful patterns of relating with your loved one but struggle to ‘convert’ your fear into love so your behaviour can be affirming your relationship rather that destroying it, working with a Love Coach can often provide a great support. It may help you to gain a better perspective on your behaviour, to get over your fear of vulnerability and develop more loving ways of relating.