‘Mystical’ experience on 28 August 1997

It was a very early hour, around 5 am. I was lying in bed awake in our summer dacha, thinking about the man I had loved for the past two and a half years. We could not be together, but I knew I would never stop loving him. I felt ‘stuck in love’ and was planning to leave the country in two months following a compulsive wish to start a new chapter of my life elsewhere. In these two months after I had made this decision, I was experiencing an unusual ‘disconnection’ in my heart. When I thought about leaving the man I loved I could not experience any emotional pain, and I was feeling quite ‘victorious’ about that. However, something felt “strange”. It didn’t feel like I was ‘well and liberated’ but as if something inside me was numb or frozen…

To return to that early hour: I was deliberately evoking an image of my beloved trying to understand this feeling of numbness. As I was contemplating the image, I suddenly sensed that the “numbness” was due to an invisible wall between him and me. And as soon as I became aware of this, the wall instantly disappeared and my heart exploded with excruciating emotional pain accompanied by an unusual pressure in my ears… What happened next had a deep impact on my life and has irreversibly changed my attitudes and my understanding of our time on this earth.

In my internal view, the image of my beloved started moving away from me into space. I saw a quite wide white-ish energy string coming out from his solar plexus and descending downwards from his body. I felt a similar string coming from my abdomen and descending towards the same place. Then I suddenly saw other people’s bodies floating in the same region of space with the same white energy strings emanating out of them and descending, all flowing towards the same place. I could not see this “place” but I was clearly aware of it. I knew we were all connected in the One…

I saw my body lying on the bed. I wasn’t in the body but somewhere at the level of the ceiling. My sense of self collapsed. ‘I’ died… The next moment, ‘I’ was above our dacha’s roof and, in the next, my consciousness was seeing the horizon in a vast sweep as it can be seen from a plane, and a moment after, ‘I’ was looking at our planet from outer space. A dense web of shimmering silver lines was covering the Earth. There was an awareness of Love being the only matter and the only reality. Everything that was there to understand was understood. The focus moved closer to the surface of the planet. History was playing out in front of whatever it is ‘I’ was: periods of abundance and celebration followed by periods of devastation… wars, earthquakes… people killing each other and people being heroic and sacrificing for love… buildings being erected and then collapsing, with thousands buried under the rubble… overflowing rainforests, lifeless deserts… people’s faces smiling and celebrating followed by faces etched with sorrow… an ever-changing reality, breathing in and out in ever-present, self-perpetuating, self-stabilizing equilibrium – ALL made of Love matter alone…

The next moment, I saw Jesus on the cross, and a soldier’s spear piercing his flesh. My awareness was afloat just in front of Jesus’s face and I was looking straight into his eyes. Pain was everywhere – in his body and all around it – but his eyes were full of Love! It’s impossible to comprehend for me now but, at that moment, I knew it was “the only way”…

After that, I saw different people – people I knew and those I didn’t. I saw (or felt) that people’s bodies were different in only one way – in the degree of their ‘transparency’ to Love. I recognized a man I knew at that time who was supposedly ‘enlightened’ or ‘nearly enlightened’ (I was oblivious to the concept of enlightenment at that age). His body was almost transparent, with only the contour of his body defining the place occupied by his being… I also saw others. Some bodies were more transparent in the middle but had a dense black matter closer to a periphery of the body. Some were black everywhere…

Then I found myself back in the room floating above my body and the next moment I was back in the body. I could still feel pressure in my ears. My mind was completely empty. The following three days I found any communication with people very challenging.