I was born in Russia, where people seem to carry in their genes a peculiar attachment to suffering and an eternal longing for miracles – in my life, I could not escape either…
All my life I have been curious about why we do what we do and why we feel what we feel. My own life has been one long workshop, a never ending sequence of beginnings and endings in both personal and professional domains. I happen to have developed a rather eclectic range of professional knowledge and skills. However, the only subject that I have really been interested in and passionate about since I first started to have romantic fantasies in my teenage years, was the mystery of love between man and woman. It would be true to say that the most constant theme in my life – no matter which country I lived in, what I studied or what job I did – has been my curiosity and desire to understand the elusive nature of human experience, and in particular, why suffering gets perpetuated in our life and relationships.
My personal life has never been easy. By the time I was 37, I was a single mother of two, had a history of two failed marriages, and a string of short- and long-term unsuccessful relationships. All of these eventually brought me to a state of a deep disappointment and resignation with regards to men and my love life. At the time, I could not comprehend how an upbeat, happy girl like myself, who was born into a good family, with two well-educated and decades-long happily married parents; a girl who reached early adulthood expecting a happy love relationship to dance into her life swiftly and naturally as if, for some reason, it was already granted to her – that this girl could stray so far from her own happiness and contentment… I was convinced that I got into this state by no fault of my own and that I was just unlucky and that all my partners were in one way or another no good, damaged or unresponsive. Whenever I told the story of my relationship life to friends and family, I always presented myself as a victim and the righteous one… But I kept looking for love. Soon I found myself living with a man with whom I felt deeply connected and attracted to, but, at the same time, our relationship was loaded with mistrust, aggression and even violence. Finally, shocked by this deeply wrong development in my life, I pulled out and completely stopped searching for love.
It was then when I first started to feel that something was not right with the way I was, that all my personal troubles had something to do with my own way of relating, of thinking and with my own wounding. At last, I started to look inside myself for the answers…
A few years have passed since then and my life is very different now. I am in a happy, joyful and supportive relationship with a man who is loyal, committed and with whom we do things together and plan our life together. He is intelligent, kind, generous and has a set of values very similar to mine. With him, I found the kind of connection I intuitively knew was possible since I was very young. Now, all my past dramas feel “unreal” and I struggle to connect to the “old self”. But I know that they were real, and I can recall them all with humility and fascination in my heart for the Mysteries of Love and for the complexity of human nature and of our soul, with a deep respect for the pain and suffering that many of us carry throughout life so bravely. I feel very grateful to the life I have had and for my difficult road to love and self-knowledge. There is grief for the things I lost in the process, the most valuable of which is time. I have two amazing children – a grown up daughter and a teenage son. My love for them goes far beyond words. I cannot imagine who would I be without them… But, I can’t have children with the man I love and it’s a loss I can’t deny. I never had an experience of bringing up a child with a good man by my side and something inside tells me it would be amazing.
I see that the time we have in this world is the most precious thing we have, and it’s limited. The longer we spend being engrossed in our fears and dramas, hurting others and ourselves in the process, the less time we will have left for love and the more regrets we will have just before we die.
Unveiling the mysteries of love has been my learning curve, my life lesson, my intention, and my ever-evolving process. I see everything that has happened to me as a gift, an orchestrated sequence of events, which took me, step-by-step, closer to my destiny and to who I really am. If you ask me “Is it hard to change, so love would be possible?” I would say “Yes, it is.” But, at the same time, these days I often feel it is actually quite simple.
If you are at the point in your life when you feel ready to grow in self-awareness and ‘dig deep’ so that you can have happier and more authentic relationships with others and with yourself, while being supported and held accountable to your own dreams, I would be happy to hear from you.